Christmas is coming!!

I've started planning my Christmas projects this week. Now that I've figured out how to sew, handmade gifts for relatives and my kids are playing a large role in this year's preparation. I've picked out some recipes, patterns and ideas and have a folder on my laptop that they are stored in.

Before you've wandered off muttering all sorts of nasty language at me under your breath, or yelled, "For fuck's sake, it's AUGUST!" at your screen, let me explain. I haven't had Christmas in two years, this is a lot of stored up creativity and shit pouring out of me.

Last year I was depressed. Like, bad. BAD. I have a wonky thyroid and last year it kind of snuck up on me. Well, that's not really right. Last year it kind of just stopped working and all of the busyness and bounciness I usually have just stopped with it. It was very gradual, I didn't really know until November 30th rolled around and I realised I hadn't started anything for Christmas -

And I didn't even give a shit about it.

I love Christmas. Not in a deck my house out with a bazillion reindeer way, or wear sweaters with snowmen way, or even in an advent calendar way. I spend most of the year picking out gifts, mulling over what to get someone and finding little things here and there to tuck away. I collect unique wrapping paper and tags, I even look up new and unusual ways to wrap gifts. I especially love homemade gifts. But, last year I couldn't even manage to make cookies. Not one single batch. I did buy some new wrapping paper, it was quite a feat and I actually walked around the store with the roll in my hand for thirty minutes, putting it back and picking it up again until Graham finally yanked it away from me and bought it for me.

I had never been depressed before, so was shocked when my usual approach of barrelling through things to get through the other side didn't work. It didn't work and it made it worse. I always thought depression was really painful, but it wasn't. I didn't lay in bed crying, or close the blinds, or want to harm myself. I didn't do anything. It was like I was stuck to wherever I was sitting. The energy to do anything, to even go to the mall just wasn't there. For the first time ever I looked at my beloved Christmas ornaments, the ones I'm excited to take out every year, and thought, "Christ, that's a lot of work."

Social gatherings were awful, I just didn't want to go because I'd have to make conversation and the effort to do so was just too great. I was a big, sad face on the end of the couch for months. Facebook was like a party I just couldn't walk into. I'd stand on the outside of it occasionally, hearing the music and seeing the odd person walk by a window, but to join in was too hard. I had nothing to say, nothing positive, nothing negative...just nothing. It was as if someone had opened my brain while I slept and scraped out all emotions, good and bad, and just left it empty.

Christmas is a really good time to be depressed if you're private about it like I was, because despite the odd gathering here and there people are too busy to notice you haven't showered in three days and have food on your shirt from two different meals. In that way I suppose it worked out, the holidays allowed me to duck out for awhile completely unnoticed. I managed to do the bare minimum by putting up a half-assed tree and getting a few gifts for my children (the rest of my relatives, unfortunately, didn't see their presents until around May when I came out of the fog) and we even went around to see some friends on Christmas Day, but I missed out on the fun of preparation and excitement of planning. Now that I am back to my usual self, I feel like it's been years since I had Christmas.

In a way, it has been.

So, yes. Let the excitement begin, because I've missed feeling this way and it is good to be back.