Lions and tigers and bears…ok, maybe just bears.

I’m going camping this weekend! For anyone reading who is regularly in the woods, and has just pfft’d at me in exasperation and hiking boots, go fuck yourselves. This is for anyone, like myself, who doesn’t do camping without toilets, showers, walls and a ceiling, and preferably a fridge to keep my beer cold. I’m actually going camping in the woods with no toilet and no electricity for -

Two.Whole.Nights.

I’ve got my sleeping bag, my mat, my pillow and bug dope. I’ve got my alcohol…I’m sure there was more, but can’t remember at the moment. A roll of toilet paper should probably be packed at some time between now and then. Food is a definite. Maybe some Curious George band aids, too. I decided to do a Google search for camping necessities. After all, why carry around Curious George band aids if I don’t need them?

Mistress Google quickly turned it towards bears, which hadn’t actually crossed my mind. I thought 7 girls out in a bush would most likely meet their deaths at the hands of an axe murderer. But, it seemed prudent to learn about bears, so I followed a few links -

As long as I don’t  run in a zigzag, play dead, fight back, climb a tree, make loud noises, make quiet noises, bury my garbage, don’t bury my garbage, hang my food from a tree, place it in an airtight cooler, sleep with food on my clothes, dick around with some cubs, wear the colour red, or stare a bear in the eyes I should be absolutely fine. Apparently it is NOT recommended to use a cub as a hostage to get a mother bear to back off. My favourite bit of conflicting advice is being told on one link to play dead and protect vital organs http://dsc.discovery.com/survival/plants-animals/how-to-fight-a-bear.html, and on another to never play dead and fight back http://www.canadascapital.gc.ca/data/2/rec_docs/231_blackbear_e.pdf.

Dropping things to distract the bear is also recommended, so I might just keep bacon in my pockets and hope the bear has a thing for bacon. Most living creatures do, so it seems like the best bet. Of course I’ll have to take off my pants and throw them at the bear as well, otherwise he’ll just catch me and maul me, and I’ll die not of bear wounds but of confusion over what I’m supposed to be doing in my final moments – protecting my kidneys, or using them to poke the bear’s eyes out.

Word of the Day: Festoon

Used in a sentence: “Well, you see here” drawled the forest ranger, “this here is where the bear decided to festoon the victim with her own intestines.”