Fake Flowers Bring May Showers

I have a fake flower garden. It isn't mine, but as it is on my property the city says it is mine to do with as I please. My neighbour has set up a hot tub, a monstrous tent thingy, and a couple of barbecues in her Manitoba Housing backyard and has now run out of room for her fake flower garden. She has decided to remedy this by putting her fake flower garden in my yard against my house, limiting drainage and creating quite the eyesore. It looks like a roadside memorial. It looks like a small child died against the side of my house, and the neighbours have done a Princess Diana-esque job of remembering him. Included in this madness is a Welcome sign, an angel statue holding a globe-type thing, a ceramic turtle, some wood logs to keep it all in check, and fake dollar-store flowers.

I decided to speak to my neighbour and it went horribly wrong right from the start:

Me: Hi, my name is Carole and I live next door. I need to speak to you about your stuff?

Neighbour (looking directly at garden): What stuff?

Me: Your flower garden against my house. You need to move it.

Neighbour: As if you have a fucking problem with a fucking flower garden!


It went downhill from there with me asking her to remove it once more, and her slamming the door in my face. Later on I had gone out, and came back to her standing in her pyjamas (4pm) shouting at me that I should create a drain pipe from the eavestrough going around her garden and that would fix the drainage situation.

It didn't end well on my side that time, with me hissing "Get your shit out of my yard!" at her.

The flower garden is not big. It is not loud, it is not poisonous, it is not hurting anyone. But, this matters very little. It is the principle that matters. It is the principle that is loud and poisonous. It is the principle of it all that hurts. Well, ok. It doesn't hurt. But Christ, it is ugly:

It is nestled up to my house (the blue behind it.)There are also patio lanterns in it now so it glows at night.

I've tried on several occasions to get her to remove it. In protest, she has now tied her garbage can to my tree. In desperation I called the city mediator who has allowed me to remove it as it is considered "abandoned" property. He also offered to send her a letter to see if she wants to talk about it, I told him not to bother. We're way past sitting down now.

So, I'll put an open offer on my blog. Whoever has the time and inclination is more than welcome to come down and vandalise, remove, add to, or steal this flower garden beside my house. It is just sitting there, and is apparently legally mine now, and it is now yours to mess with and/or fuck up. My only two rules are no shit or piss, and do not do anything to my house or the surrounding yard, please. It is my yard and my house. This doesn't mean get creative with shit and/or piss, no shit or piss at all. You can add whatever you please - Buddy Christ statues will be greatly appreciated, as would tacky bobbleheads, gravestones (don't steal any, get your own), signs that attack my neighbour's virtue and chasteness and inability to get a job and work like a normal person, and christmas lights shaped like penises (not sure if these exist, but if they do bang on.) You do not need to stick to this list, these are only suggestions. Do not add fake flowers, she will like it and we want anything but that. She's also batshit crazy, you might want to wear some earplugs and a helmet.

I will post any pictures up on my blog, twitter, facebook or wherever your ego requires. I will also reward you with beer, good beer not something like Budweiser. This can be a group effort if we work together. I'm leaving the garden up until next Friday so that is ample time to work your magic, people.